Make Babies, Not War

Over the years, when I was still writing for The New Paper, I repeatedly called for Singaporeans to have more sex.

One reason, of course, is the fact that we are a graying population, meaning there are more deaths than births. The more important reason is that every year, we keep winning the Durex survey, where we consistently have less sex than the rest of the human population, as well as dogs.

Which is really pathetic, if you think about it, because dogs don't have real sex.

Take the two I have at home. Both males and unspayed, they hump anything from other male dogs (I'm open-minded), table legs, human legs, arms and ever so often, thin air. Strangely enough, they have not learned to hump female dogs. They sniff the females' nether regions alot, but never get round to actually doing the deed.

I reckon this is because they are gay, but that doesn't really explain the table legs, human legs, arms and thin air.

PM Lee, in his National Day Rally, called for Singaporeans to have more babies. I often say things like this in my blog to make myself look like I'm in touch with current affairs. I almost considered cutting-and-pasting the relevant portion of the speech here, but I was frightened that someone who has a lot of free time on their hands might write a blog as long as Homer's Odyssey and call it The Many Lies of The Lah Lah Times.

Haha, that in itself was, of course, a lie. If someone were to write that blog, it would only be as long as a Japanese dick for the following reasons:

1) This is only my fourth post;

2) I have only lied once (including the one two paragraphs ago);

and

3) I have the online presence of a peanut.

Back to making babies. I blame the Government for the lack of babies. I see many of you nodding your head in agreement, because you think I'm referring to their way too successful campaign of Stop At Two back when policemen wore shorts.

That, however, is a myopic view - which is not surprising, seeing that 95% of our population suffer from myopia.

The real reasons as to why the Government is to blame for our lack of babies is as follows:-

1) They have a silly monogamy law.

It's a simple equation. The more people we are legally allowed to marry, the more babies we will have. I urge all the artistes of Singapore to get together and make a video of how we should repeal this law, much like how you did for the infamous 377a. Repeal it, I say.

2) They blocked Youporn.

The second one is particularly damaging. Educational sites such as Youporn should never be blocked. Without them, we would never have learned important things such as threesome and gangbang. Both these activities, with the correct male-female proportion, greatly increases the risk, ah, I mean, chances of pregnancy.

There are many things one can also learn. For instance, I learned Japanese. I never knew bukkake meant facial.

There you have it, my blueprint of how to have more babies. Talk to your MP today.

Stop Hitting Cab Drivers ... Pretty Please?

You got to love Singapore.

It was revealed yesterday in Today newspaper that assaults on cab drivers are on the rise.

Whilst I perfectly understand the need to plonk one on their heads every now and then, especially the cab driver who wears a cowboy hat and boots and goes "yee-hah" each time he overtakes (truly, I did not make this up), it is generally a bad idea to do so, especially when they are driving. Trust me, they do not need any help getting into accidents.

So what is the solution in curbing these attacks? In Australia, they raised penalties for assault on taxi drivers, as well as installing protective shields and cameras in the vehicles.

In London since the 70s, they've had protective screens shielding the driver from the passengers, as they do in New York.

But not us.

Our Uniquely Singaporean solution? Have a campaign.

Because protective screens are aesthetically ugly and "we want our drivers to be approachable, interactive and provide a service to the passengers", said Smart Taxi's general manager Niki Ong.

Yes siree. We have our priorities right over here in the Lion City.

After all, campaigns have worked so well in Singapore in the past, haven't they?

Let's take a look at past campaigns.

Stop At 2 campaign - a campaign to tell Singaporeans to stop having babies after their second one. This was so successful that Singaporeans not only stopped having three or more babies, they stopped having babies altogether. The evolution of this campaign went something like this: Stop At 2 ----> Stop At 1 ----> Stopped by Condom (which is basically where we are at now).

Courtesy campaign - who can forget that jingle ... courtesy is for free, courtesy is for you and me ... look at what a courteous nation we've become. Every lunch time, people are leaving tissue packs at Lau Pa Sat and other food centres so that the less fortunate who can't afford to wipe their mouths after food can get it free. It warms my heart.

Speak Mandarin campaign - never mind that most of my friends can't speak Mandarin to save their mothers' lives, they are in the minority. Just visit Dragonfly any day of the week to see how successful this campaign has been.

Anti-Drink Driving campaign - don't be fooled by Traffic Police's report that drink driving arrests are on the rise. This does not mean that the campaign didn't work, it just means that law enforcement has gotten better. Truly.

By past evidence, the Stop Hitting Cab Drivers campaign is the right direction for us to take to lower assault incidents. Right here, on this blog, I am going to do my part for campaign.

So to all five of you reading this blog (I'm trying to stay positive here), stop hitting cab drivers, pretty please.